Dear Mr. Zuckerberg,
I hope this letter finds you well. First of all, the NSA would like to extend its gratitude for introducing #hashtags on Facebook. Your website has been of great value for the intelligence community but we always wished it was more organised. Hashtags have brought us another step closer in utilising Facebook to its fullest potential.
The NSA firmly believes in your vision and leadership (after all, you did meet the President). Nevertheless we hope we take the liberty to suggest some minor improvements to Facebook vis-a-vis the NSA.
Firstly, your screening policy for photo’s and advertising is highly effective. We are (on paper) no big fan of bared nipples or breastfeeding mothers. We do however suggest that you throw in the occasional add for weapons and explosives and allow photo’s of beheadings or other terrorist crimes. This will allow to track the baddies by just reviewing the likes and comments. And since our valued NSA staff is on Facebook most of the time anyway, this will be a great boost for morale and efficiency.
My last suggestion pertains to the NSA’s own Facebook page. We are firm believers in the knowing-you-knowing-me theory (ABBA, 1977) and thus more than averagely interested in the likes and comments on our own fanpage. A realtime feed via whatsapp is greatly appreciated. This will enable us to use also the technology of Whatsapp to its fullest potential and make intelligence work even more intuitive. No doubt your technical staff can arrange this on short notice.
We hereby thank you again for your continued support. You and others are drivers of these exciting times, Mr Zuckerberg. To let you know you’re not alone in this: we are speaking to Tim Cook and the folks at IBM to connect Siri to Watson. We believe that this can reduce the fight against terrorism to asking the right questions and just following instructions. Again, this will be greatly applauded by the NSA’s dedicated staff. Also, we have found this little data analysis company in the Netherlands called Coney. Unlike their politicians, they don’t seem to be on crack all the time and are quite good with data. We are thinking of outsourcing our analysis activities to them. They are reliable, cost-effective and it seems unlikely that they will open up their DataFactory to ‘unfriendly’ intelligence services.
Up until some weeks ago, the NSA was not known for its transparency but since the unfortunate turn of events, we have decided to change this. We thus hope you appreciate our update. Do not hesitate to send us a letter (the enemy is watching) with your response or any questions you may have.
With sincere regards,
Keith B. Alexander
Director of the NSA